Too hard to forgive p1
by Anna
Summary: Sully 's long lost mother appears in CS


Once there was a pretty young lady. She was born and raised in good and rich British family, and her life always was happy and easy…until she met a young guy one day at the church. He was the student of seminary, and was going to be a priest. But he was so handsome and gentle that she couldn't help to dream about him…so as he. They met again very soon.. and once again…and many times…finally he asked her to be his wife, though his career must be finished. Her father didn't bless them, he became furious and even signed off her name from the family Bible. The life now was not easy, but still happy and full of love. Soon their first son was born. When he was about 4, they decided to leave England for new life, and arrived to America with two sons - the second was born right at the ship…They had not much money , but were full of hopes. They had each other and 2 wonderful children, and enjoyed their new life…until their first son died. She couldn't live at this place when such tragedy had happened , and they moved again, to the city… Her husband couldn't do anything except preaching Gospel and working at the farm - so he couldn't find any job to feed his family…It was too much for him, and he died. Now she was alone with her grief, without money, without husband, without any friend, any hope and any help. Her son was so small to support her…She stayed eye by eye with her despair for many months, and finally thought there is only one solution of all her troubles… Standing at the bridge through the Hudson, she thought that good times are gone and never come back…   
  
**********  
It was a warm summer morning, and Michaela as usually was going to the clinic. She was in good spirits, seemed that all troubles of this year were gone.  
- I'm ready to go! - she yelled , mounting the horse. - see ya!   
  
Brian together with Sully was repairing the fence - You asked me to remind you to go to the station for your package.   
  
- Thank you, Brian - I really hardly remember   
  
- Ask Horace about the telegram from Washington - Sully said.   
  
- Well! I'll be back to lunch!   
  
Sully and Brian waved her and returned to their work. However Brian was very quite and absent-minded. He was deep in his own thoughts. When he hit his finger with the hammer for the second time, Sully asked him:   
  
- Hey, you're ok?   
  
- Yes…well, yes, but I want to ask you…I've got a letter from my…from Ethan Cooper again. He writes that misses us, and I don't know may I answer him or……   
  
- Do you want to answer him?   
  
Brian shrugged his shoulders:   
  
- I don't know exactly. Now 'you' are my Pa, and I don't feel to him that I feel to you. Perhaps, I must be angry at him…   
  
- You must not , - Sully objected - Perhaps, you can feel sorry to him.   
  
-To Feel Sorry?! He lives happily with Lilian in a big city, they're rich,   
  
- It's not enough to be happy, Perhaps, sometimes he feels lonely, because he has no sons, like you and Mathew, or daughter, like Colleen, and understands that could have them, but destroyed all by himself…   
  
- I'm afraid to betray you, if I'll answer him?   
  
- Certainly ,not. It's nothing bad if you'll write him about your work at the GAZETTE, or , for example, send him the birthday greetings……   
  
- Sully, - suddenly Brian asked - when is your birthdate?   
  
I don't remember…Seems, my brother's birthday was in spring, and mine - in autumn…or winter…no, I can't remember… . When we celebrated it, I was quite small, this was before we have moved to NEW YORK…   
  
- I thought about it, - Brian said ,-it's very sad, if you have no birthday, and I decided to give you some gift  
. He run to his room , and few minutes later returned with the book in his hands.   
  
- Here is .it .I think you'll enjoy it   
  
- Thank you, - Sully was very surprised, - I 'd like to read it for a long time…and even much more - get such a wonderful gift from my son…  
Brian smiled widely and gave him a big hug.   
  
**********  
  
  
- Yes, certainly, you have a right to take this equipment, if you'll pay for it - reported Preston - I hope, Andrew, your new practice is successfull…   
  
- Yes, thank you, - Andrew answered   
He arrived from Philadelphia to buy some medical supplies from his former clinic . To his wonderment, Preston was very yeilding today  
- Go to my office, - he offered, - I'll just ask Mrs.Blackmore to wait for a while.  
… There was a lady sitting at the chair . She was in her fifties but looked very refined…   
  
- Please, just a minute, Mrs Blackmore, - Preston apologized, - I need to discuss with this gentleman a few questions…   
  
- Don't worry, I'll wait, - the lady answered with a light British accent   
  
- So, Andrew, - Preston continued - you can buy more, the price is definitely low, I'll sell this hotel anyway…   
  
- And who 's going to buy it? - Andrew asked   
  
- Senator Dinston.. your new father-in-law represents him here.- Preston grinned - .Certainly, Sully understands the wild nature very well, but he's not a businessman at all…   
  
- Excuse me. .. Did .you say "Sully"? - Mrs Blackmore suddenly asked   
  
- Such a strange name for a man, isn't it? - Preston said - actually, it's just surname…his real name is Byron, but he hates it …Mrs Blackmore, what's wrong with you? - he asked very worryingly, noticing that British lady suddenly turned pale.   
  
- I 'm fine, - she smiled,- just a little dizziness…It's not unusual in my age   
  
-I can examine you, - Andrew offered - I'm a doctor  
  
-No, thank you…Mr Lodge, can you explain me where is the post office is? I need to send a letter…   
**********  
  
  
- Horace, what about my package? - Michaela asked   
  
- Here is it, doctor Mike, - the telegrapher answered   
  
- Can you also look for the letter for Sully from Washington .? He's waiting the letter from Senator Dinston   
  
- I have a letter for Sully but not from Washington. Some lady brought it and asked to send him. Let me see her name…here is..Katherine Blackmore…   
  
"Katherine" - Michaela thought - what she needs here?"- Horace, how 's she looked? She has such long light hair and blue eyes? She was young and…   
  
- No, - Horace answered - she was your mother's age and her hair is almost gray …Do you know her?   
  
No, I don't know her, …perhaps Sully knows… I'll take it and give him.   
  
**********  
  
  
Brian met her on the porch - Hi, Ma! I'll take Katie.   
  
- Thank you. How are you here?   
  
- We're just finished the fence.   
  
- Fine . Where is Sully ?  
  
- Upstairs, reads a book . I gave him one book, ordered it by the catalogue. I thought: we all celebrate our birthdays, but Sully does not remember exactly, when he was born …it's unfairly…   
  
- Sure, - Michaela agreed - so you decided to do him a gift?   
  
- Yes, I think he liked it……   
  
Sully was so absorbed by reading that didn't even heard, as she came in..   
  
- Usually you hear my steps, - Michaela noticed, disappointed a little - what such an interesting are you reading?   
  
He showed her a book.   
  
" Rev.J.Powell. The Life and Traditions of Cheyenne People" - she read - Brian knew what you would like to read   
  
Yes. .it's a wonderful gift…Michaela, what about the letter from Senator?   
  
- Here is the letter, but not from Senator…it's from some lady… - Michaela stretched him an envelope, - Horace told , she brought it herself...   
  
- -A Lady?! - Sully wondered   
  
- Her name is Katherine Blackmore.   
  
- Katherine Blackmore? Never heard… But I can imagine, what you've thought when you read this name.   
  
-. Horace told me she's my mother's age, and. afterwards, I already once looked so foolish, when you got a letter from Daniel, written by woman... Go on, open it, I'll die from the curiosity…or this is a secret?   
  
- Sure, not! -Sully said, revealing the envelope.   
  
- Well , what your beautiful stranger wrote? - Michaela was going to ask, but words stuck in her throat, when she noticed Sully's reaction.   
  
He looked at the sheet of paper with such a horoe in his eyes, as if it was a snake in his hands…   
  
- Sully, what happened?   
  
He did not answer her, continuing to look at the small sheet of paper   
- Sully, - she touched his shoulder, - what happened?   
  
He looked at her helplessly.   
- Michaela , - he finally answered, - this woman … she is my mother…   
  
**********  
  
  
- But she .…you told me that she…- Michaela mumbled   
  
- She's alive, as you can see, only has different surname… - He tried to stay calm, but Michaela noticed that he became pale as .a sheet…   
  
Sully told her very little about his childhood and his family.   
  
Michaela understood that these memories were very painful for him. She 'd lost her father and knew, how hard it could be, but Sully…there were so many losses in his life…She imagined lonely and homeless 14-years-old boy who came West by his own…And now, when Sully finally felt peace in his soul, this woman came, after more than 20 years, and destroyed all….   
  
- I can remember this day as if it was yesterday, - Sully said quietly , - She became so strange for the last couple of months…so absent-minded and sad…as if she died together with my father . The policeman came and told me…that she's drawn herself… They didn't find her body, but the policeman brought her handbag and her shawl…it was the last father's gift, and she never took off it……- his voice faded, and he couldn't continue.   
  
Michaela touched his shoulder tenderly… - Sully…please…. There is no need to talk about it - she's alive…   
  
- Yes, she's alive, - he said with some strange intonation.   
  
- What we can do now? - Michaela asked   
  
- We will leave all as it does - he answered , - I don't want to meet her.   
  
- Sully, - Michaela began- you must think before…Remember Jake and his father……   
  
- Excuse me, but I don't want to talk about her anymore …- he answered.   
  
- But you can't run away from yourself…- Michaela said   
  
- Let's talk about something else, - he answered, and she obeyed   
Obviously he was right - she could not imagine such kind of mother who can leave her child like that. Her own mother not very often understood her, but when Michaela was in troubles, mother arrived from Boston to help her. Michaela just was afraid that Sully will blame himself later, if he 'll push his mother away.   
  
The several days passed. Michaela and Sully avoided the unpleasant subject of talking, and Michaela became sure that Sully made a good decision …  
But they met few days later, when nobody did not wait it… Sully and Michaela had lunch at Grace's, and suddenly had heard Preston's voice,_- Go here, Mrs.Blackmore, here is this man you've asked about!   
  
Michaela stood up to leave, but Sully squeezed her hand, and she sat back, very puzzled.   
  
Mrs Blackmore was in her sixties, but she was still very attractive woman. Michaela also noticed that her new mother-in-law is dressed in such a fancy style as her own Bostonian relatives…  
  
- Excuse me, - she began - I 've sent you a letter …Did you receive it?   
  
Sully silently nodded. Although he seemed calm , Michaela knew, what it costs for him   
  
- Oh, my God…I don't want how to start…. - Mrs.Blackmore nervously picked at her gloves - this letter…I've sent you…   
  
- It has been late more than on 20 years,- Sully answered   
  
- Sully! - Michaela tried to stop him , but he was already unable to stop.   
  
- All these years you didn't think about me, , but now you just come and think that we can to start it over   
  
- I'll be glad if you can call me mother again…- Mrs.Blackmore whispered   
  
- My mother had drowned in Hudson 23 years ago, - Sully interrupted her and sharply raised, hardly not turn over the table .- Sorry, but I have no more to say you…   
  
With these words he left the cafe, not even waiting for Michaela  
  
. - You're his wife ? - Mrs.Blackmore asked  
- Yes, - Michaela answered coldly  
- May I talk with you? I'd like to know about my son/..  
  
Michaela suddenly became furious :  
- You want to know about your son ? What exactly you want to hear? -she asked quietly, - well I'll tell you.  
Have you ever seen the homeless children - such dirty, hungry, lonely kids? I think there are those kids in England too? So , do you want to know that your son was one of them before the orphanage? Do you want to know, that Sully even now, more than 20 years later , refuses to talk about his childhood - because it's too painful for him? Or you want to know how he worked in mine as the powder-man ,when he was just 15, and each day risked his life. Once he was buried alive under the cave-in for several days, and could be dead if his friend didn't rescue him from there. You didn't know it, right - because you LEFT HIM, when he was just a kid …just a kid who needed your care and your love - she spoke louder and louder - When his first wife died together with their baby, there was nobody to comfort him, to ease his pain, to tell him any kind word… and he enlisted to the army, because he hoped to die …The Indians found him half-dead in the woods and became the family for him…instead of you. And now you just came here and want to manage him to remind this ordeal again…   
  
Mrs Blackmore silently looked at her, her eyes filled with tears.   
  
- I beg you, - finally she said, - please, let me explain…   
  
- But Michaela refused. - I have to go to the clinic. Excuse me…, - she nearly was running from the cafe.   
  
Deep in her own thoughts, she hardly did not swoop on Loren Bray   
  
- I'm sorry .- she said , - I did not notice you…   
  
- What happens with all of you today? Sully was a kind of mad too…run somewhere, almost bumped into me … This is because of that woman, isn't it? I think that she… But Michaela did not want to discuss this subject with Loren.   
  
-Please, Loren…let's talk later…I need to hurry- she run into clinic,   
  
There was much work in clinic, but Michaela thought about this woman all the time… and worried for Sully…   
  
**********  
  
  
Michaela tried to find Sully anywhere in town before she left…nobody was seen him after cafe, but there was very loud discussion at Loren's store about this..   
  
Michaela had no time to take part in it. She still tried to find Sully, and visited almost all his favourite places in the woods, but the rain managed her to stop . However she hoped that he will be at home before her.   
  
- He didn't come yet, - Brian reported with perplexity - I've thought, you will be here together.What happened?   
  
- There is a lady in Preston's hotel. She calls herself Sully's mother…   
  
- But Sully told us she died?   
  
- No. She's alive. But Sully does not want to meet her …she left him … - Michaela cut short trying to find a word.   
  
…like our pa - Ethan Cooper - Brian finished - but I'm not mad at him anymore   
  
It's not the same thing - your pa knew that you have a mother, sister and elder brother. But she left Sully alone, and he was younger than you…   
  
- But perhaps, she's ashamed about what she 'd done? - Brian insisted.  
  
- Anyway, Sully needs a time to make decision. He's so depressed and I 'm worrying…   
  
Sully came about an hour later , soaked through to his bones.   
  
- Sorry, I'm late, - he said. He took off his wet coat and shivered   
  
- You're cold? - Michaela asked   
  
- Just a little   
  
- I'll bring you dry clothes….- she run upstairs.   
  
Sully still looks exhausted and depressed and Michaela was still worrying about him.   
  
When they both sat near the fireplace, she tried to talk with him again   
  
- . You did not warn me…- she began   
  
-- I'm sorry…just needed to stay on myself for a while…- He coughed   
Michaela looked at him with a great concern   
  
Are you allright? - You're getting sick to be the whole day in this wet clothes…   
  
- I'm fine, just a little tired. I have a lot of things to do in town tomorrow, so I'll go to sleep…- Sully said and went upstairs   
  
**********  
  
  
Michaela woke first, that was not usual. Usually Sully got up at dawn , when she was still asleep, but he looked so tired yesterday and definitely needed more time to rest…She was sorry to wake him, but his talk with Preston was very important for Senator Dinston…   
  
- Sully! - she tenderly stroke his hair - it's too late. Wake up…   
  
He opened his eyes and then closed it again: - This light… can you pull the curtain?…   
  
She did as he told, than sat near him and touched his forehead: - Seems, you have a slight fever… You'd better stay in bed today.   
  
- No, I can't…- Sully sat up and covered his shoulders with the blanket, - I have…- he coughed and then continued: - I have a lot of things to do in town. I need to talk with Preston about The Springs Chateau , senator wants all the necessary papers to get ready next week, before his arrival….Don't worry, it's nothing wrong with me - just a little cold…   
  
- Sully, please…  
- I'll drink some willow bark tea, and ev'rything will pass…  
After the breakfast he seemed to be better, and they were going to town..   
  
- See you - Sully said , dismounting near the clinic, - I ll go to Robert E .and to the store , then I'll be at Chateau…   
  
- If you will getting worse, come to the clinic!   
  
- Well, - he said, - okay, but I'm fine!   
  
**********  
Loren Bray was not a witness of an incident in the cafe, but rumours in the Colorado-Springs spread very fast . Within a few hours the whole town knew that the British lady in the Chateau is Sully's mother, who left him when he was a kid, , and now he does not want to see her.   
  
So, when Mrs Blackmore entered the Bray Mercantile, he knew who is she. - Closed!!! - he shouted.   
  
- But after all…- she looked at the customers, who did not hurry to leave   
  
- For you - closed, lady, - repeated Loren - this is MY store, and I don't want to see here such women as you. How you're not ashamed to come here?   
  
The woman looked at him helplessly and silently left   
  
Certainly, Loren was impatient to discuss it with the customers, but he stopped, as he noticed Sully, coming in   
  
- Are you looking for something?- Loren asked. He wanted Sully to leave more soon, and go back to the discussion- I'll help you….   
  
Sully looked at him with some strange glance and answered nothing . It looks like he can't remind why he came here.   
  
- Hey, are you okay? - Loren asked.   
  
- Yes ,- Sully finally answered. He walked to the counter, but unexpectedly stumbled, almost losing his balance.   
- Sully! - Loren called him, but he didn't answer. Looking at his face Loren worried even more, Sully's glance was clouded and unfocused, as if he was not fully aware where he is.  
Loren caught him for the elbow and forced to sit on the chair near the counter.   
  
- I'll go call Dr.Mike! - Loren said, looking at Sully worryingly, - Just sit here  
  
That's no need.. - Sully began, but Loren was outside, running to the clinic.   
  
Michaela opened the clinic. She sat at the table with her files, but her thoughts revolved around this woman, Mrs. Blackmore. Michaela wanted her to leave, but she understood that Sully will think about her, and it will hurt him even more if she's far away. Why this woman so emphatically wants to see him, while for 20 years she never wanted to know about him? Michaela tried to find an explanation for her coming, but could not find any reason. Then she imagined how painful it must be for Sully - he loved his mother so much, but she left him without a word.   
  
Michaela sighed and returned to her work. She wrote only a few lines, and suddenly heard the doorbell ring. It was Loren Bray.   
  
"Good morning, Loren. What's seems to be the trouble?"   
  
"Not with me, Doctor Mike!" Loren answered, taking a breath,"Sully, something wrong with him, he's in my store, you'd better look on him…  
. Michaela threw her pen on the table, didn't notice a big inkblot on her papers, and ran from the clinic. Sully sat on the chair near the counter, leaning to the wall, his eyes closed. When he had heard Michaela's steps, he opened his eyes and sat up straight;   
  
- Michaela! There's nothing wrong with me.  
- .I don't think so, - she answered, checking his pulse  
- It's just a little dizziness..."   
  
"I told you before: it was better for you to stay in bed!"   
  
"I couldn't. Preston...I need to talk with him..." An attack of coughing did not allow him to continue.   
  
Michaela touched his forehead: "Sully, you're burning up! Let's go to the clinic. Loren, please help him to get up."   
  
"I can do it myself!" Sully weakly objected. He stood up unsteadily, and Michaela helped him to the clinic.  
Brian met them on the porch   
  
"What's wrong with Pa?" He asked, very concerned.   
  
"I don't know yet...Sully, can you sit down here, on the table? I need to examine you."   
  
She got her stethoscope: "Take a deep breath…once again."   
  
He flinched as the stethoscope touched his back. "It's icy! Do you keep it in the cellar?"   
  
Michaela packed the stethoscope. She looked very upset.   
  
"Nothing wrong?" Sully asked. "Can I put on my shirt? It's too cold here."   
  
"You have a pneumonia." Michaela sighed. "Brian, would you prepare the bed in the room upstairs? Sully, you must lie down there and rest, I'll stay with you."   
  
"But Preston. you know him."   
  
"I'll ask Matthew to talk with Preston. You have no strength to go anywhere!"   
  
"It's ready!" Brian yelled. They both helped Sully go upstairs in spite of his weak protests.   
  
"Don't worry, Pa!" Brian said "Matthew will do it for you!"   
  
"Don't think about it,"Michaela added."Just lie down and relax."   
  
"Michaela, did you talk with her?" he suddenly asked.   
  
"No." she lied, "Sully, we will discuss it later."   
  
Then Sully looked at his son. His eyes were bleary with fever.   
  
"Brian. You told me about Ethan, did you really forgive him? How you…" he coughed again and Michaela declared:   
  
"That's enough. Sully, you need your rest. Try to sleep, and I'll bring you the willow bark tea. Brian, you need to go home."   
  
"But I want to stay here. Can I help you?"   
  
"Well...all right, but first help Matthew feed the animals."   
  
"Sure,Ma! Pa, I'll be back soon!"   
  
"See ya, Brian!" Sully managed a smile, and closed his eyes.   
  
"I'll bring you some willow bark tea." Michaela said.   
  
"Wait!" he caught her sleeve, "What do you think? Why she…why she just left like this??"   
  
"It hurts him so much." Michaela thought. "He can't talk about anything except his mother."   
  
"I don't know." she sighed "Sully you must not..."   
  
He slowly turned his head to her and continued:   
  
"When I was a kid I often dreamed that she would come back. There were many kids in the orphanage who told that their parents would bring them back home. It was the best dream of everyone there. And now she's here, it is not a dream, but I don't want to see her again...it's too late."   
  
"Sully, please..."   
  
"All these twenty years she was alive, she was somewhere around..." he raised his eyes to Michaela, "Sorry, there's no need to bother you..."   
  
"No, Sully." she patted his hot hand, "What happens to you happens to me, you know this. But you need to keep your strength …Please, try not to think about this, just rest   
  
Sully silently nodded and closed his eyes - he had no more strength to talk. Michaela gave him a cup of willow bark tea, and soon he drifted off to a fitful, feverish sleep.  
  
  
Somebody knocked on the clinic door. It was Loren again. "Doctor Mike, how is he doing? Is it serious?"   
  
"I'm afraid so. I can help him just a little."   
  
"But after all he will recover?"   
  
"I hope so." Michaela answered, "Sully is strong and healthy..."   
  
The day passed, then night, then one more day. All this time Sully was drifting in and out of consciousness, anyway, he was not getting better. He always was strong and healthy, but now his recovery was slower than usual. Michaela recalled Cloud Dancing's words:   
  
  
"Disease appears, when the person is losing balance. It's necessary to heal the whole person." Certainly, they couldn't speak about any "balance" for the last several days. This woman was injurious to all of them, as much as she could.   
  
"Ma, some woman is asking for you." Brian reported.   
  
"Is this an urgent matter?" Michaela asked,"If not, give her my apologies - I can't leave Sully now."   
  
"He's worse?" asked Brian with fear.   
  
"I'm afraid so...His fever is still dangerously high, and he's growing weaker. I gave him all medicine I can, but it helped just a little."   
Michaela sighed heavily, bathing Sully's face and chest with the damp cloth. She wished to help him with all her heart, but truth was, she didn't know, how.  
  
"And... you have nothing to help him?!" - Brian asked quietly  
  
"Usually the crisis is on the third or fourth day...It's up to him now. Brian, can you go downstairs and ask what this woman needs. And, please put the "Closed" sign on the door."   
  
Brian returned very quickly.   
  
"She told me she needs to talk with you, just for a few minutes."   
  
"Can you stay here with Sully? I'll be back very soon."   
  
"Sure, Ma!"   
  
Michaela ran downstairs, and Brian sat on the chair near Sully's bed. 


End file.
